Switching to cruise control

Dressed to thrill

Now, for those not yet in the loop, I am about to embark on a two-week cruise to the Mediterranean from Southampton. The reason for this endeavour will be to accompany my dear mother who would have otherwise had to travel alone. 

As we have not spent much time together for more than 30 years, this is undoubtedly going to be a great chance for a little intergenerational therapy for us both; with all the joys and pitfalls entailed.  For me, personally, one of the biggest challenges to accept with this social experiment is the fact that cruise-company policy insists that guests need to be over 50 just to get on board.

The deadline for departure will soon be upon us and I am quickly starting to realize that a cruise ship is actually a lifestyle choice rather than a simple vacation. At the time of writing, I am reading through the pre-cruise literature in a frantic attempt to come up to speed on the intricacies of cruise etiquette. Did you know that there is a dress code for almost every occasion, ranging from smart casual to formal? And with so many rules and recommendations to remember, it is inevitable that I will be making many faux pas during my stay. Page 24 of the guide, for example, states that you are allowed to wear swimwear but only on the open decks. Unfortunately, I am not at all sure what you are supposed to wear for the trek between your cabin and the open deck. Perhaps I will play it safe and opt for a black tie.

Cruising for cleavage

 Six months ago I published a blog in an attempt to activate a Google Ad sense account.  Well, since then I received the following email.

At least they came straight to the point and didn't waffle on the way they expect me to.

I have now accepted that I will not be making money from this source of revenue in the foreseeable future. Nevertheless, since our civilisation is built on a foundation of advertising, I remain as fascinated as ever when it comes to how it all works in the modern age.

The vast majority of internet users realise that having the occasional ad on a webpage is all part of the trade-off for a free service. Most ads are easy to ignore anyway, and on the rare occasions whenever I click on one, it is because of an inadvertent slip of the thumb on an iPad touch screen. However, no sooner as that happens, the profiling algorithms residing inside the distant servers of Mordor (or more likely in a forest in Eastern Finland) begin to stir and send similar ads to every site I  visit.  

And then there are those keyword Google searches that are picked up and used to further tweak a person’s profile.  Do a search for a holiday destination and ads for local car hire agencies and restaurants start to pop up immediately. In this respect, however, I really think I need to help Google by pointing out that I personally use search engines in my editing/teaching work to solve a plethora of problems not at all related to my personality or spending habits.

For example, on Monday I wanted to find out more about the word scrubber. Now in British English, the term scrubber refers to a female tramp who would satisfy a male's needs without a second thought. You can already hear the clicking of the algorithms on those distant servers, can’t you! Now in my case scrubber was actually referring to cleaning equipment on board ships.  

On Tuesday I wanted to check out the word cleavage. Google imagined that I was referring to the intermammary sulcus or, in layman’s terms, the space between a woman’s breasts. In my case, however, it was all to do with the division of voters into voting blocs.

Now on Wednesday I wanted to find out about cruising. Unfortunately based on Monday and Tuesday's keyword searches, Google decided that what I really wanted was to pick up someone for some gay fun; which probably explains why the following ads have regularly been turning up in my browser since last Thursday.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I have got absolutely nothing against people going on gay holidays, just as long as it isn't me.  However, the one thing I have noticed with this type of ad is that it certainly manages to cause some very awkward silences when it flashes on a big screen in a classroom full of marine engineers about to watch a YouTube clip on English grammar.  

Should I stay or should I go?

And so the day has come when Scotland gets to decide on whether to remain as part of the United Kingdom, a successful 300-year union and one of the greatest alliances in history, or become fully independent and leave.

For me to discover that Scotland was not already an independent country was a genuine surprise.  My only excuse, and a bad one at that, was that I grew up in the very south of England, as far as geographically possible from Scotland as you can get. Therefore, my knowledge of Scotland was limited to the usual stereotypes of bearded tartan-clad dancing men, bagpipes, whisky and a mythical creature in the deeper reaches of one of the country’s lochs. However, based on all that, it did seem as though the place had real potential.

Growing up, I had always imagined Scotland as a huge country with a population that was almost the same size as England. In fact, the population of the UK actually breaks down as follows: England 53.5 million, Scotland 5.2 million, Wales 3.1 million and Northern Ireland 1.8 million.   

What, only 5.2 million for Scotland? That makes London bigger than their entire population. The Scots now remind me of those angry little barking dogs that successfully use their aggression to get their own way.

Unfortunately, I believe that it is this very tenacity that will be the downfall for the Scots. In my opinion, they are absolutely crazy to give up what they already have for the dubious right to go it alone. Especially when one considers that they already have their own parliament and extremely favourable tax distribution rights.  

All bets are off in this referendum as it now seems as though opinions are split right down the middle. The only thing that can really be predicted is that whatever the outcome, Scotland will be the biggest loser. If the yes vote wins, the country will quickly find that it is not so nice to go it alone, unless of course it can somehow persuade its Nordic neighbours to allow it to become a member of their little club. 

However, if the vote swings the other way and Scotland decides to remain in the UK, one can only wonder how many Englishmen would really want to share a union with a country where almost half the population are hostile to the idea. Perhaps if this turns out to be the case, the only fair solution is to give the English their own referendum on whether they really want to have Scotland in their union anymore at all.